I have noticed, I have been thinking about suicide for a long time, at least for 4-5 years, but I supressed my thoughts, make myself busy with trivial things in life, so I tried not to think about it. But these days, I am seriously thinking about suicide...
I feel there is no reason for me to live. My life is pointless. I see no point in seeing another sunrise. I have seen so many of those days. Something good happens and makes you happy, and then something bad happens, makes you sad, and it goes on and on like that. Some may think that, for the sake of those good days, I should live. I don't think so. Suppose that I have accomplished something that I've always wanted in life... then what?
I want to die, today, at this moment, as soon as possible. Unfortunately there is one thing that stops me... My family. If I die right now, they will be in trouble, because I still have debts to pay (due to the scholarship that I got for my education). Also, their health is not so good, bad news may kill them. I am terribly angry, because I can't do something I want, because of my family again. All my life they controlled my life, and now, they do it again without knowing it.
I wonder if it is good to have a family to live for. Yes, they keep me alive right now. But me being alive is killing me worse than dying in peace.
On the bus to work, I observe people on the streets. I wonder what they live for? They probably like living. Others who do not like living, they live for the loved ones. A mother and a father lives for their children.... Children for their family...A wife and a husband live for each other.... Siblings too....
I guess for people like me, who does not like living, there is only one reason for living...living for others' sake. As a very selfish/controlling person, I think this way of living is disgusting, unless you truly love and care about that person. And if you have nobody that you care for, and if you don't like living, why bother?
